Former Ohio Basketball Star Granted Maternity Leave After Unique Drug Test Failure


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Everyone has seen at least one TV show where a character tries some elaborate played out trope to pass a drug test.  The most notable to me being the Oil-Change episode of Blue Mountain State, where it is suggested that the football team undergo a very invasive procedure to clean up their urine.  The use of prosthetic appendages loaded with clean pee is a popular cliché, from BMS to when Vince used it to avoid violating probation in Entourage.  No matter how it gets there it is always the acquisition of reliable clean urine that proves a challenge.  As far back as Elaine in Seinfeld, who borrowed a coworkers stuff after realizing she ate a poppy-seed bagel.  If you recall that did not go well for Elaine at all, and she lost out on a trip abroad with J. Peterman because he thought it was too risky to bring a menopausal woman along. (The woman who donated the sample was a little older than Elaine at the time)
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Sometimes Life imitates Art, and the best laid plans reveal some interesting things.  Recently former Ohio basketball star D.J Cooper was suspended by FIBA and banned from European basketball for two years after it was determined he used someone else’s urine.  The 6 foot former French A League MVP received a positive result on his test, not for PEDs, not for weed, not for any drug… he was pregnant.  Now the probability of that is pretty low and after a little bit of investigation it was determined that the urine sample was provided by his girlfriend, and surprise! He is going to be a dad, so I guess congratulations are in order?  A tough break to lose your job on the same day you find out you are expecting but life comes at you fast.
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Obviously this guy isn't too bright, I mean he went to Ohio, not even Ohio State as the #30 prospect in the nation. I just generally expect these types of bone-head maneuvers out of people from that state, but it is still a nice laugh when a story like this comes across the wire. (Can we just let Puerto Rico in already so we can get rid of Ohio and not have to change the stars on the flag?).  However if FIBA is using the same protocol as the company I work for sneaking a sample in is pretty tricky, they even check the temperature to make sure it is ‘fresh’ so I will give credit where credit is due on just getting the stuff in there.  I do wonder what Cooper was on that made him so desperate to cheat the system, I also wonder if he had any idea that his girlfriend was pregnant.  Also makes someone wonder if there will be a little bit of resentment for the child that made him lose his job.  Lots of questions really, most that will not be answered. But the bottom line kids, don’t do drugs, or at least do your due diligence before passing off a sample as your own.  If you're going to cheat, be good at it.
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Not a great look for a guy, who if he had failed would be looking at a significantly lessor penalty, and would be snapped up by another team quickly.  Holding career numbers that are still in the top 20 of NCAA division I history for steals and assists, Jay Bilas on his weekly report once called him “One of the best passers in the nation” well that he has gone international “passing” is no longer a strong suit. 
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